Toolkit

Comebacks

Often it is hard to know what to say and do when people offer advice or when you find out your best friend is pregnant. You can also worry about when it is okay to stop trying to have a baby.

Other people’s advice

People have some great lines you have probably heard many times, like:

  • Go on a holiday and it will happen.
  • You can always adopt.
  • You can have my children.
  • All my husband and I have to do is look at each other and we are pregnant.

While well intended, this is not helpful and it is upsetting – it is OK to be upset by it.

Some strategies to try

  • Be gentle with yourself, protect yourself and take time out when you need a moment.
  • Take a deep breath.
  • Prepare comeback lines in advance like:
    • “We are too relaxed to have sex when we are on holiday”
    • “I want my own biological children, thanks.”
  • Talk to your closest friends about what you would like them to do if they find out they are pregnant and they know you have been trying. You may like them to:
    • email you the news so you can deal with it privately and in your own time.
    • tell you in person but not when you are in a big group.
    • warn you if they are going to put lots of photos of ultrasounds or babies on their Facebook page.
  • When friends ask what you need from them – tell them, you need them to just be there when you need to talk, offering comfort and support, but not advice.

When is it okay to stop trying?

No one else can answer this question but you - only you and your partner have the right to decide this. This will be about getting to a place where you can feel it is okay for you that you are not going to be a mother. You may like to get some counselling at this time, perhaps just one or two sessions or as many as you need – just know at some point it is okay to stop trying.

Created on 29/08/2013 | Updated on 01/12/2015
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